The Devil Wears Prada, Indeed

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I wrote this last year, but thought I'd repost some of my work here to gather it in one place]

"Moscow mayor Yuri Luzhkov branded Gay Pride parades a "satanic act" today and vowed to stop any attempt by homosexuals to march through Russia's capital this year, Russian news agencies reported." — Reuters

Alexei painted 666 on the rainbow flag and then donned his red thong with the fiery design. But the flames had nothing to do with being a flamer and everything to do with being a satanist. You see, Alexei and the other gays weren't here to celebrate diversity and proclaim pride in their sexual orientation. They were here to herald the great Lucifer's return to earth and his inexorable dominion over Moscow, then Mother Russia and, finally, the entire world.

Eugeny had already disemboweled three hogs and had used their blood to paint the Trannie Disco float. During the actual parade, they would also sacrifice a goat, a doberman and five rabbits (which a female impersonator would then fashion into a fabulous stole). As a parade finale they would all share some fresh infant flesh, just as they would share communicable diseases at the St. Petersburg bathhouse. It was sordid business, of course, and dining on babies in front of the media can be poor publicity, but it must be done to summon the demons from their comfy underworld home up to the earth on this chill Moscow day. Only then can the forces of darkness envelop humanity. If this isn't done and the parade is stopped, fine Christian men and women will continue to wed under the sacred institution of marriage and procreate as part of God's will.

Oleg and his boyfriend Yakov traded some tongue then called everyone forth. "Today, we beckon the Dark Lord to return and assert his rightful rule of the land — and we're going to have a hot time doing it, girlfriends," Oleg told the fags and dykes. "I want to see personality, I want to see sexy dancing, I want to see hedonistic man-on-man action on this fucking parade route. I personally don't want to see any girl-on-girl action, but I think we all know Satan is omnisexual, so I guess anything goes, ho's!"

And with that, they picked up their colorful flags, their banners, their balloons, their black-flame dildos. Those with floats got into position (sometimes that meant bent over a couch cushion as a fellow parade participant mounted him). And they started to march and chant.

"We're here, we're queer, the end is near. Don't get too used to it 'cause you all be dead soon. Hail Satan! And Madonna!"
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Meanwhile, similar marches were being held in San Francisco, Buenos Aires, Toronto and Sydney by fellow gay Satanists bent on bringing ruin on the nuclear family. In Amsterdam, a drug-addicted 7-foot transvestite wandered the streets in a she-devil mask, tossing out syringes to passers-by and quoting from "The Satanic Bible."

Of course, the gays weren't the only ones taking part in this day of diabolatry. In women's clinics in London, Tokyo and New York, abortionists and pornographers were joining forces for a very special project: "Unborn Porn" — hundreds of fetuses were vacuumed out and then molested by homeless sex offenders all the while being broadcast on the Internet at sick666porn.com. And in nursing homes from Pittsburgh to Paris the infirm and terminally unattractive were being given lethal doses of morphine in a Satanic sister celebration: Assisted Suicide Pride.

Back in Moscow, Oleg and Yakov led the marchers down the route, wearing their "Aleister Crowley made us do it" T-shirts and blasting their boom box with memorable tunes such as "Sympathy for the Devil" and "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" (In this case, it was meant to refer to the former Soviet republic and not the U.S. state). Some marchers carried pictures of Harry Potter that were altered to show him being sodomized by his own broom stick. Some of the men had their hair cut like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby and wore pillows under their shirts to symbolize the baby they would sacrifice for Satan if only they could have children.

On the sidewalks, some spectators were enjoying the festivities, whether cheering, sucking demon seed from a neighbor's cock or casting a Satanic spell on their straight crushes. But others were protesting. Moscow mayor Yuri Luzhkov and several Russian orthodox clergy were telling the homosexuals they were going to hell. The homosexuals did not disagree; they only smiled. They were embracing their fiery fate and invoking Lucifer's good name and that of his disciples.

"Hail Satan! Hail Rosie O'Donnell! Hail Elton John! Hail LaVey! Everyone is gay!"

At that point a cloud of steam arose from the sewers and before them the sanctity of the manhole was violated (for a record 14th time that parade route) and rising from that opening was a vision of hell on earth — great phallic horns, a suit of red vinyl and a whip-like tail, in his hand a lubed pitchfork. Was it Satan? No, it was Vanya, being quite the drama queen and making a late appearance in full demonic costume. That was like Vanya.

Of course, the parade route had two more blocks to go and it was all of the sodomites' deepest desire that Satan would still make an appearance. After all, pride is one of the seven deadly sins.