Love Him Tender ...

... love him sweet, never let him go.

We certainly won't — not if our leather restraints have anything to do with it!

Love him tender, love him true,

all his holes are filled.

OK, maybe he didn't say it quite like that, but David Archuleta definitely played the sensual card tonight on American Idol's Top 4 show, ensuring a return for the Top 3, the audience on pins and needles to see if he'll touch himself inappropriately to ensure a place in the finals.

Granted, he pulled off his eroticism with classic rock staples and not Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your Body," but following a week in which he sang "Sweet Caroline" after vetting Neil Diamond's supposedly debauched catalogue (we're using Mormon standards here) for songs about drinking and staying out late with women (oh my!), he ended the night with Elvis Presley's eternally beautiful and suggestive "Love Me Tender." Unlike those other "Idol" fags in the top 24 opener, Danny Noriega and Colton Berry, David picked an Elvis song that played to his sensitive side.

David started the night with "Stand by Me," and though it's no "Lie Beside Me," the opening lyric "when the night has come" surely prompted the homosexual-at-home response, "who hasn't?" There wasn't a dry crotch in the house after that performance. David was wearing black pants (not leather, unfortunately) and a black V-neck shirt with birds on it — because he likes to soar like an eagle or something. Paula liked that he opened his eyes and made a connection to the audience, though there was evidence of heavy lids later in the night for "Tender." Personally, I don't care if the eyes are opened or closed — he can wear a blindfold if he wants (and I know he wants to), as long as he sings like that. He can get rid of that "for the beautiful girls" stage banter though — let's just say Clay's giving a better performance on Broadway than that attempt at seriously wooing the ladies.

Ryan, for his part, is more worried about little David passing out from shock and lack of oxygen after the judges' appraisal of his performance of "Stand by Me." He asks Davey why he's short of breath like it's a private joke and he had initiated a little asphyxiation fun before the show started (I half-expect a coy, giggly, "You know why, Ryan — you made me wear that plastic bag around my head while you sodomized me!"). Anyway, Ryan uses the moment to put his arm around David to keep him steady — as if thematically echoing the theme of David's song choice and feeling him up at the same time. When the second song is concluded and Simon announces that David didn't just beat the competition, he "crushed the competition," Ryan gets touchy-feely again and calls him crusher ... which is probably too much information. Who would have thought Ryan would still be the bottom even with D-Archie?

The night opened with the less appealing David, Monsieur Cook, who chose song "Hungry Like the Wolf" — which had me searching on the Net when Ryan said the night's theme was the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. Are Duran Duran really in the Hall? They aren't but the song (by far, their best — and that's saying something, though that something isn't particularly positive) is on the list of 500 songs that influenced rock. Um, 500 songs and he chose "Hungry Like the Wolf"? OK. At least, that ass clown won't butcher a good song. It's horrible as expected, though the real surprise is that he's not the worst of the night.

That honor belongs to Jason Castro — who seemed either high or apathetic, but quite possibly both. First, he confesses that he knows a "few songs" on the list of some of music's best tunes. He should know at least 400 of these songs, but he choses "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley (because they have the same hair!) and Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man." I like both these artists immensely, but why those songs? It's beyond bad karaoke — at least in karaoke he would have had a screen to remind him of the words. He wasn't so lucky with "Mr. Tambourine Man." Simon rightfully told him to pack his bags.

I have a feeling he'll hang around to make it an all-male threesome in the end — something I'm usually very much in favor of (though I really do what D-Archie to be the top in this configuration).

Jason will get enough sympathy votes to dislodge perennial bottom 2 Syesha Mercado. When Ryan mentioned at the beginning of the show that three of the four finalists had at one time received the week's top voting total, one had to feel for Syesha and her imminent demise. That said, she's escaped death more times than David Crosby. Her shrieky take on "Proud Mary" and overblown cover of "A Change is Gonna Come" — two immensely gorgeous songs — shows she's a wildly uneven artist. Even though I agreed with Randy's assessment on the latter performance, there was something touching to Syesha's emotional reaction to the performance.

That said, the episode did nothing to dissuade the opinion that an all-David finale is inevitable. And while it's a bit like serving an effervescently tasty red wine with a can of expired tuna fish, the reality is that both will have recording contracts and we can follow the David of our choice. Though I'd rather follow D-Archie into desperate male pornographic films instead, I'm ready to buy his albums — or at least always download them for free. ...

I'll be yours through all the years

until the end of time.

Here's the grade recap

David A. (appropriate last initial)

Stand By Me: A-

Love Me Tender: A

Syesha

Proud Mary: C

A Change is Gonna Come: C+

David C. (a hopeful last initial)

Hungry Like the Wolf: D

Baba O'Reilly: D+

Jason

I Shot the Sheriff: D

Mr. Tambourine Man: D-