Cats and Dawgs

I missed last week's "American Idol" recap because of a toothache, and no, I didn't get it because David Archuleta is so sweet — though his sartorial choice of leather pants on Mariah Carey week left me with an acute case of blue balls.

Otherwise, last week's show was rather forgettable, which in a way was a tribute to its mentor. Now, we're onto Andrew Lloyd Webber week  and — I hate to admit this since it seems like faggot heresy — but I'm not a big musical theater fan, and I actually knew fewer of the songs than I did on Mariah Week. The show frames his contribution to music as the composer of the most important musicals in Broadway history (granted, I'm no show tune show-off, but isn't it Stephen Sondheim who all the Great White Way fanboys drool over?).

Sir Lloyd Webber, of course, is the architect of "Cats" and "Phantom of the Opera." He encourages the contestants to really feel the meaning behind the words (as opposed to Mariah's method of ignoring the meaning of the lyrics and using words for the pure vocal gymnastics they represent). Keep in mind that Sir Lloyd Webber's most famous song is sung by an elderly woman in a cat suit. "I didn't know a cat was singing it," Jason confessed before tackling "Memory," and though it sounded better than a pack of strays mewling in an alleyway at midnight, it was close.

For dear D-Archie, it's less about connecting with the music for Sir Lloyd Webber than keeping his pupils pried open. The nobleman, like many others, wishes to stare rapt in the Mexi-Mormon's beautiful eyes, and who can blame him? He also tells David that the song he chose was "written for a diva! Written for a girl. ... I simply couldn't imagine how a boy could sing it." Ahem, Andy, there's something you should know about David. He's not like other boys ...

The producers get that. Why else would they parade a horde of teenage girls onstage to awkwardly hug David before his clip with Lord Lloyd Webber ran? As for the performance itself, David failed to honor the composer's wishes, with his eyes consistently shutting during the song. My eyes were open, though my ears were on cruise control. It was all right, but — as Simon noted — hardly anything to shout about.

Here's the grade rundown for the week...

Syesha: It was her night to shine. She comes off much better doing this kind of performance than the pale Whitney Houston imitation. Simon and Randy think she may have a future in the theater. They mean it as part compliment, part insult. B+

David: Not enough lip-licking tonight. B

Carly: She does a robust, if occasionally shouty, take on "Jesus Christ Superstar." B

Jason: He's doing a song from "Cats," for christsake. C

Brooke: She forgot the lyrics and restart the song — a move that Simon trumpets as brave, even if only to piss off Paula (who leveled some unusually good criticism about the nature of live television). She'll probably go home. C-

David Cook: I hate him, his eternal smugness and his faux sensitivity on "Music of the Night" from "Phantom of the Opera." D-